I was supposed to interview Tina Fey and Paul Rudd today, but I’m not. It started out as an intimate roundtable where I could actually interact with two of my favorite stars for half an hour. I was giddy. Even my husband was excited, and he NEVER gets excited about blogging stuff.
But when it changed to a big press conference, I said no thanks. I have no interest in merely being in the same room as them, I wanted to be close enough to sneak up behind Tina and cut a lock of her hair, take it to a cloning lab, and keep a Tina Fey clone in my basement, chained to a typewriter supplying me with snarky one-liners.
It’s probably for the best, though. If I’d been there I might have asked these questions. And I might not have gotten invited back for anything, ever. So it’s probably good that I’m home, in my pjs.
“Tina, I’d really like to have you and Amy Poehler over for a sleepover. How can I make that happen? And before you answer, please know that I make the world’s best brownies.”
“Paul, you married Phoebe. Do you have any kids? Has she been arrested? Did you get any more rats? I know that the writers stopped writing the storyline, but I have a feeling that you completed it in your head.”
“Tina, I’ve never actually seen Mean Girls. I was hoping you’d watch it with me, and talk about it as we’re watching, like a live DVD commentary track. Are you free after the interview?”
“Tina, you once convinced Oprah Winfrey to come on your show. How can I use your tactics to convince Hugh Jackman to come to my house and clean my bathrooms shirtless?”
“Paul, was singing ‘Afternoon Delight’ with the other Anchorman stars the absolute culmination of everything you’d learned up to that point as an actor and a human?”
“Tina, you once said that you have a very low level of Flintstones knowledge for someone your age. My mother has a Fred Flintstone tattoo and is somewhat obsessed. Would you like her to tutor you? She also bakes.”
“Paul, does Steve Carell smell like cucumbers and office supplies?”
“Tina, does Alec Baldwin smell like Old Spice and money?”
“Tina and Paul, if the two of you had a baby, what job would it grow up to have?”
“Tina, you introduced me to one of my favorite words of all time, ‘crotchbiscuits.’ Did you bring yours with you? Or do you keep them on a shelf with your Emmys?”
“Tina, can I touch your scar? It’s so…beautiful.”
Yeah, probably best that I’m not there…
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